BamaBoy Blogs Bachelor: He’s the Juan – Premiere Night

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Well, we are introducing a new segment here because BamaBoy has a secret.  He watches The Bachelor.  Sure, sure it was by force…. years ago.  But now, he’s hooked and he’s just as catty as the “ladies”.  Sometimes more.

Tonight is the official premiere and I figured it was only fair to start this season off right.  I don’t know if I can type fast enough or if my fingers will catch fire, but we’ll see.  Should be interesting to say the least.  We’re beginning a new “journey” together. (HAHA, made you drink!)

For those of you who don’t know, (Are you living under a ROCK? Seriously. Are you?!) this season’s bachelor is Juan Pablo.  The man that can say “I just farted” and women will swoon.  Call me crazy, but I’m not on the Juan Pablo train exactly.  I mean he works out a lot and he’s got an accent, but these people are CRAZY for Juan.  Can we just call him JP?  No, too confusing with Ashley H.

Alright, well Juan Pablo has been working out and working on his English and he’s ready to be “El Bachelor”.  BamaBoy is concerned because he keeps calling himself One Pollo.  Welp, looks like our buddy just got a new nickname.

One Pollo tells us all about his glorious job traveling to consult with professional baseball players.  Mondays must be a real bitch, huh?… We get to see him with some of his baseball buddies.  But wait? Did anybody catch that leg rub from the baseball player.  Plot twist, anyone?!

BamaBoy: “YEAH, BABY!”

On to the daughter montage.  He is a really sweet dad and it’s really cute to see him with his daughter.  He’s just looking for a woman to share his life and love with. Here’s a thought, I feel that One Pollo could walk through a few malls and find his fair share of bachelorettes.  But then, how ever would we get ratings and commercial revenue?!

First, a little Bachelor advice from Sean. Sean tells him he’s on a “journey” (yup, drink again!) and they decide to call it an adventure.  Do we need to change our game rules? Maybe.  Oh, wait, no, Sean can’t quit calling it a “journey”. Looks like we shouldn’t change our rules just yet, folks.

BamaBoy: “Trust your gut. Not your butt.”  (Not sure what that means but it seems like sound advice.)  “GEEZ!!  Is someone paying them to say journey?!

Cue romantic music and Juan’s shower scene.  Do you need a minute? I’ll give you a minute.

Insert previews of crazy “lady” antics, crying, “I love him” and catty smack talkin’.  Ding, Ding, the bell has rung.  Monday night “lady” fights has officially kicked off!

But WAIT!  There’s MORE!  We have to meet said “ladies” first.  Ok, fine.

Here’s a rundown of BamaBoy’s observations of the newest hogs headed to slaughter.  You see what I did there, with the slaughterhouse reference.  BamaBoy does not appreciate my redneck humor.  Fine, rundown, GO:

Rollerblades have been out for a WHILE. And does she know you can paddle board anywhere there’s water?”

“That lady is NOT touching my body or climbing on me.  I can’t imagine why they didn’t love massage….creepy.  Ok, NO!”

“Wow, tell us again how pretty you are.  You’re arrogance is Super HOT!”

“She should really use no-clump mascara.  She only had like 4 tentacles.” – Oh honey, if your friends could see you now…

Chris Harrison…..please say journey… please say journey…. ugh. Yes, One Pollo, 27 is more than 25.  Good job.

And then BamaBoy had quite a bit to say about the limos.  Here’s the highlight reel:

I’m waiting for him to slap one of them on the ass on the way in.”

“Crickets.  Not a good sign.”

“He went in for a kiss.  He’s into blondes!!! And he got to go to 2nd base with Nikki! SCORE!!”

“Free Spirit?  Seriously. Free Spirit. They are just making fun of people now. That’s not a career. What happened to entrepreneur? Call it unemployed already.” BTW, he referred back to this bullet when “Dog Lover” was posted as a career. “I love tree houses, but there’s not a career in loving tree houses.”

“Did someone just say ‘I’d hit that’? I’m pretty sure someone said ‘I’d hit that’.”

“He’s been standing there a long time.  Someone get that man a drink!  Or a stool.  A stool would be nice.

Now, in case you’re new to this, all those women have been left in the house alone. with alcohol.  good things will happen soon. Beginning with things like, “Who HASN’T gotten time with Juan?!”  With a show of hands – Catty bitches.  And if Lauren H says “time” one more time….obviously, you’re not ready for this.  Too soon.

BamaBoy: “Oh, so you haven’t watched the show before.  Like for 11 years? I can’t believe this is what it’s like the first night either.

**SIDENOTE: Apparently, BamaBoy has a “How-To” for the First Night “Ladies”:

1) Don’t be creepy. (This includes saying “I love him.”  You’ve known him 3 minutes.)

2) Don’t be slutty.

3) Do whatever it takes to get that man’s attention. Without being slutty or creepy. Easier said than done.

4) Don’t offer the Fantasy Suite on the first night. That is both creepy and slutty.  (Throwback to Desiree’s season – way to go, honey!)

Where’s Chris Harrison with a tranq dart when you need him?” Followed by, “I bet One Pollo and Chris Harrison feel the same way right now.”

Yes.  Just like a wiener.” “Add step 5) Say “wiener”, get a First Impression Rose.

Can I just say that I was hoping she’d say no?!  Here she is talking about how she’s not into it and he’s going to get the rose.  BAHAHAHAHA!!  Holy DRAMA!  But she says,”Seriously?!” and then “Sure.”  I love the “You’re an idiot” look on her face.  This is not working out.  I’m calling it DOA now.

BamaBoy: “If he keeps this up, he’s going to STAY One Pollo. He’ll never be Dos Pollo if he’s that blind.

Who’s that orange bitch. Is that Snooki? How’d she snooki in?

 EPIC FAIL:  “Kylie, Kat does NOT sound like Kylie….” 

Oh great, Flower Power got a rose…”  

“Wait, here comes Chris Harrison. It’s the final rose? ‘Cuz we couldn’t SEE THAT!! Chris Harrison – thinking we’re all idiots since 2002.” (Added note: I did NOT know the year of the 1st Bachelor, but BamaBoy did.  I’m not sure what this means, but I feel it isn’t a good sign.)

Montage of bitch faces, when Amy gets the rose…”Yeah, that’s maybe why he didn’t pick you.” 

Ok, let’s all cry over a guy you’ve known for 5 minutes.  No, I’m sure alcohol is NOT a factor.  Rrrrriiiiiiiiiigghhhhttt.

Stay tuned for highlights of the upcoming season of BamaBoy Blogs Bachelor….

Yes, I love him, too. At least, he’s not saying “journey” anymore.”

“I’m sure you can see a future.”

“I can’t believe you’re there either.”

“I’m totally NOT into this for the vacations. or the fame. definitely not the fame. I mean, WHAT?”

PS – Our prediction is that Victoria is the one in the bathroom stall screaming at everyone.  LET US SEE!!!!

‘Til next week!! -T (and BamaBoy)

DISCLAIMER: BamaBoy and I are in NO WAY affiliated with ABC, The Bachelor or Entertainment Weekly.  I have just finally let his proverbial cat out of it’s bag and letting everyone else into the fun that is our “Girls’ Night” was too tempting to pass up.  I hope you enjoy our weekly updates from our own little corner of BachelorNation, but we will be here or be square. We have not (unfortunately) been compensated in any way  for this blog post. (Not even in wine….I know, right?! Ugh!)

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