BamaBoy Blogs Bachelor: Jungle Love Edition

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Mommer’s back and we’re ready to RUUUUUMMMMMMMMBBBBBBBLLLLLLLEEEEEEE!  Monday Night “Lady” Fights are back and we are ready!  After all the Super Bowl food I took in yesterday, I feel like I should do 20 crunches every time someone says “feelings”…BAHAHA, just kidding!  My butt says, “Nah, let’s chill here!!”

You know it’s going to be good when The Bachelor posts this on Facebook:

Picture 1So, here’s a toast to seeing how Clare manages to royally %@*# up a seemingly great start to a relationship.  And, just to really class up the joint, BamaBoy surprised me with a giant Stella Artois, for moi!!

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My hand looks so TINY!! That’s BamaBoy’s butt-shot you’re getting, too! Lucky, YOU!!

Tonight, the “ladies” and One Pollo are headed to Vietnam…Really, NO, Lt. Dan?!  Still waiting for that Run-through-the-jungle-with-a-military-pack-just-to-build-some-common-empathy date, but it looks like THAT’s going to be a big let down.  Speaking of let downs, Mommer decided to keep it a little trashy tonight with his giant Mickey’s Malt Liqour, because no Bachelor night is complete without a little dip in class!

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While Vietnam does look beautiful, the group date seems AWKWARD as ever!!  Especially when Clare’s trying a little too hard to TRAMPle the competition…ya see that?!  Oh, I crack myself up!  Anywho, One Pollo has 11 girls left…

Mommer: “I got 99 problems and bitches are 11 of ’em!”  Bahahaha!  Well, played, Mommer, well played.

Yes, Kat, it’s exactly like Carmen Sandiego, except that Chris Harrison keeps TELLING YOU WHERE HE IS!!  On that note, combining the Bachelor and the Amazing Race is NOT a bad idea – you can have the date card, but you’ve got to FIND it first!! Maybe CBS and ABC should talk that out, just saying.

Renee gets the first one-on-one date and it’s about freaking time.  I’m interested to see how this goes because she just “really, really, [wants] to kiss him!”  Score 1 for One Pollo, Renee gets a STROLLER ride through town!  That’s a NICE change of pace for a mom!!  Good one, OP!  Renee gets felt up by the dress-lady and One Pollo looks like he’s trying to vicariously get to 2nd base through her.  There’s another awkward, “I want to kiss him” moment and then, a shot of a paper lantern floating in the river.

Mommer: “Awww! They litter!”

BamaBoy: “Ten bucks, says whatever is embroidered on that hat for her kid translates to something inappropriate in Vietnamese.”

Something shooting fire…

Mommer: “You think they’re going to go out for Vietnamese food?”

Mommer: “There’s no one there!  That place must SUCK!!” Followed by a conversation about The Bachelor renting out entire places for privacy…”Well, good, ‘cuz, otherwise, you might want to rethink that!”

BamaBoy: “When did you get married, 21, 22, or 23?  Shouldn’t you remember that?!”

Me: “He’s blowing in her face!!  God, I hope he ate something really gross right before that!!”

BamaBoy: “Thank you for the shallot wind, sir.”

Andi is sad because she is on ANOTHER group date. Sad trombone says, “Whaa, Whaa, Whaaaaaaaaa.”

One Pollo gives Renee the rose and they decide to walk around. Who’s calling impromptu concert/surprise local treat?!?!  Me. Oh look, women with paper lanterns!

Coming up next, Clare’s One-on-One Date plus 8!  Wow, the mash-up TV ideas are just spewing out of me tonight!! The one time Clare’s lack of friends seems to have just worked to her advantage!! She gets left out of the buddy system and gets One Pollo instead.  The girls are pissed that they let this happen.

BamaBoy: “Blue shorts and tank tops seem to be the “thing” this season.”  Guess we should stock up!

Andi said, “JOURNEY!”  Everybody drinks!

BamaBoy: “Wow, a GARDEN!  We totally don’t have those in America!”
A) Who is that?
B) How has she never seen a garden?
C) Andi needs to learn basic math – it’s impossible for him to have had one-on-one dates with everyone already.

Mommer: “What a bitch.” Duh! Kelly’s claws have COME OUT!!  Let’s face it, she’s not top 8, the jealousy’s setting in strong.

BamaBoy: “Clare seems like the Jake Pavelka of bachelorettes.”
Mommer: “Who’s Jake?”
BamaBoy: “I’ve been at this a long time.”

“Yeah, sure” girl (I already forgot her name, sorry) does nothing but make out through her one-on-one time, AGAIN.  She goes into it with “questions”, but loses focus.  This doesn’t seem like it’s going to get much deeper than make-out sessions.

Andi spends the beginning of her one-on-one time whining about how hard this process is, AGAIN.  Followed by some playful teasing and more making out.

Clare gets the rose and several “I’mma shank you” looks from the other group dater-haters.

Clare can’t get enough One Pollo from her date-jacking so she goes rogue and steals One Pollo from his suite.  They go swimming in the ocean, get hot and heavy, and Clare starts talking about baby giraffes….huh?  One Pollo seems to have been over-taken by Clare’s “fire”. (wink) Wait, you won’t kiss Renee because you wanna keep it classy?  Looks like you mighta missed that boat when you frolicked past it into the waves.

One Pollo’s still talking about Clare before Nikki’s date.  That’s gotta sting a little watching that now.  Nikki’s excited for her alone time with One Pollo.

BamaBoy: “Alone time, minus the producers, camera men and crew….”

BamaBoy: “Nice, One Pollo got some ass-grab!  Comfort her with a hand on her butt…good date! ‘We were surrounded by the smell of bat guano and it was just the best!'”

Mommer’s asleep….he has yet to survive a full episode.  We need to build his Bachelor stamina.

Clear those wind pipes, we’re going to channel our inner Christmas choir:
Oh, holy Drama, the tears are brightly shining.  This is the night “fiery” Clare effs it up….

Well, maybe.  But you know those sneaky Bachelor film editors…always up to something!

BamaBoy: “Andi apparently needs a LOT of basic math based on this comment:
‘3 out of the 8 of us aren’t going to get a rose. I mean it’s going to basically be half of us.’
A) There are 11 of you.
B) Yes, there are 3 that already have a rose, but 8 left out of 11 is still not half.”

BamaBoy: “How big is Renee’s son that One Pollo is afraid of him being ‘pissed at him’?”

One Pollo starts questioning the fairness of sneaking out with Clare to the beach. BamaBoy: “That must have been one hell of a kiss?!”
OP tells Clare it was a mistake, they discuss fairness, but mostly One Pollo’s fear of Camila seeing “that” and having a bad reaction.  *Sidenote: Where was that concern the other night?

Andi, “If I go home, I’ll be pissed.”  Classy.

Clare’s crying in the parking lot again. Pull it together.  You’re mascara is. a. mess.  One Pollo, ever playing the White Knight, comes to comfort her, AGAIN.  I wish he would just tell her, “You can’t throw a fit every time something happens.  So put your big girl panties on and walk it off.”

*awkward sniffly silence*…*crickets* Oh, thank GOD, Chris Harrison is here!!

ROSE TIME!!

Clare, Renee, and Nikki already have roses.
For the counting-impaired (ahem, Andi), that leaves 5 roses:

Sharleen (THAT’s her name!), Cassandra, Chelsie, Kat, and…
–Oh shiznit, I had no idea! Good old, Chris Harrison to tell us about that final rose!–
Andi gets the final rose.

Danielle, Kelly, and Alli are going home.  Well, I called 2 out of 3 of those!

Next week, on the Bachelor, everybody goes home!!!  Not really, but Sharleen and Clare definitely grill One Pollo pretty hardcore and question why they’re here…Hello! Vacays and cocktails, DUH-UH!!!

Until next time, we’re over and out!! (Especially Mommer)

-T, BamaBoy and Zzzzzzzzz….

Disclaimer: Mommer, BamaBoy and I are not affiliated with The Bachelor, ABC, CBS, Facebook, Mickey’s or Stella Artois.  We are, but, lowly Bachelor fans and we garner what is probably WAY more entertainment out of this weekly smack-talk festival than we should.  This is TV drama at it’s best, or worst. Whatever.  Anyway, we aren’t being compensated in any way for our AMAZEBALLS observations and catty quotations! 

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