BamaBoy Blogs Bachelor: Hometowns from Hell

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Good evening everyone and welcome back to an ALL NEW BamaBoy Blogs the Bachelor!  If you’re just joining us, you should know that this all began against BamaBoy’s will.  He has been my Bachelor watching sidekick for a long time and he’s CATTY!  We’ve always had so much fun and have finally gotten our friend & neighbor Mommer to join us on our weekly escapades so we thought it only natural to bring you, the world-wide interwebs into our girl drama-laden Monday nights!  We like to call it Monday Night “Lady” Fights!

If you have no idea what we’re talking about but love girl drama as much as any other closet reality show lover, you’ve found the right place.  Grab some wine and get ready!!  We’re BACK for another week!!

Let’s get this party started.  Refill, please!!! … Please?!
I’m still waiting for BamaBoy to begin responding appropriately, (“As you wish”) you know, because we have “Twoo Love”!
Sorry for the tangent, but have you seen this?! Awesome!!

Alright, it’s HOMETOWNS!!  Tonight is sure to be full of daddy-daughter drama, “love” and what seems (from the previews) to be a new episode of “Everybody Hates One Pollo”.

First up: Nikki in Kansas City
I was pretty interested in the barbeque at Oklahoma Joe’s until she called it “gas station barbeque”.  I might be missing the reference, maybe it’s a Kansas City thing (anyone?) but I think old egg salad and nasty bathrooms when I think of gas stations.  Not really delicious barbeque.

Next, One Pollo rides a mechanical bull.  Nothing says, “How do you handle stress?” like a pair of squished nuts followed by awkward conversation.  What the hell happened there?  I, honestly, have NO IDEA what they were talking about.  It was more like a series of grunts, “I don’t knows” and “maybes”. Great date…hmmm.  Nikki really wants to tell him she loves him.  This seems forced.  Like really forced.

YES!! J just showed up from across the street and she’s READY!
J: “You love her for her honesty…she’s a dyed blonde.

Is Nikki’s dad a preacher or a psychiatrist?  He is overly analytic and calm.  He really seems to like to “talk it out”.
Now that I think of it, our house would be a lot more like this if we were all medicated.  I’m leaning more towards psychiatrist.

After all that, Nikki doesn’t tell him she loves him.

Next: Andi in Atlanta
BamaBoy: “I have never seen a season of this without ducks!” This is a REALLY good point. “How much are they paying the ducks?!
J: “The ducks aren’t unionized…they get nothing.” (J is a lawyer….can you tell?!)
Andi is taking him on a “surprise date” but asks him about 5 billion times if he can handle it.  Are you ready? Are you sure?
Mommer: “Can we just get this over with already?
BamaBoy: “Do you want to ask me 5 more times if I’m ready?
They head to a shooting range…finally.
J points out, “Hey!  We didn’t have to wait 30 minutes for him to rebuild her confidence and listen to her whine this week!” Another good point!
Andi handles a gun pretty well, guess that’s how she wins most of her cases. 😉
One Pollo’s turn!  He misses twice, but not without Andi pointing it out.  She might as well have yelled , “You SUCK!”
BamaBoy: “At least he knows he has someone to protect him!
J: “Was the zoo closed?!

The door at Andi’s parents’ house says, “Welcome Home, Pookie!” This could be cute and sweet or as Mommer says, “RED FLAG!!”

5 minutes in, Dad is already grilling One Pollo and Andi.  Even Andi realizes he disapproves.  AKA Dad’s a d*@k.
Dad obviously hasn’t watched the Bachelor because he doesn’t seem to grasp the way the show works.  (Much like many of the “ladies” in the beginning.)
Sidenote: I get being skeptical, but seriously, did you NOT KNOW this might happen?!  And if you thought she was just going to get sent home before this, why’d you let her go?

One Pollo talks to Andi’s mom and they discuss dancing.
J: “Yes, let’s discuss the important things.  Like dancing!”
One Pollo says he’s realized (NOW?!) that he and Andi are best when they’re having fun.
BamaBoy: “Really. I always thought the best parts were when we’re miserable and fighting.”
Mommer: “Maybe that’s why I’m single. Every time I’m with a date I’m like ‘Let’s just sit and be miserable together!”
One Pollo asks if Andi’s dad has any other questions for him.  Andi’s dad replies with a too-quick, “Nope!”
Mommer: “Let’s get this the f*#k OVER!” “It’s kind of like when you go on a job interview and you realize halfway through you don’t want the job anyway.  They’ll ask, ‘Do you have any questions for us?’ Yeah, do you validate parking?!” LOL…exactly.
Andi’s sister gets her to admit that she thinks he’s hot, but she’s not getting “deeper”.  I think it’s time for Andi to realize she’s NEVER been sure.  Andi even admits that she’s “just not there yet” and she “really wants someone to tell her she’s the one.”
Andi’s dad recollects his conversation to the family and that is NOT what he said!  Well, not what the producers edited.  He tells everyone he said that he’s sure that if Andi picks One Pollo, he’d have their blessing.  That’s not what we saw!  He said, “IF you come to me and say ‘she’s the only one for me’ then we’ll have that conversation”….not the same.

Third: Renee in Sarasota, FL
Renee, of course, can’t wait to see her son.  But then she says she is going to “literally, eat [her] son”.  Creepy.  I get it, missing your kid.  But cannibalism is taking it too far. (I can say that, I’m a mom.  Mommer doesn’t understand ‘cuz he doesn’t have kids. 😉  Sorry, inside joke.  Mommer gets it. No nasty notes.)

Renee and One Pollo hang out with her son and they seem to get along well.  One Pollo’s already talking about playing sports with him!!  They get to watch his baseball game and good for ABC for planning a realistic date.

Overall, this family time seems WAY less eventful than Andi’s but that’s not a bad thing.  Renee says she’s in love with One Pollo, with little to no emotion. But I think that’s just the way she talks.  BamaBoy: “Are they just handing out the Xanax?!”  Where’s mine? Anywhoo….I think Renee and One Pollo seems to be the most natural and easy together.  I might biased because we all like her.  Once again, she says telling him she loves him doesn’t feel right at the time.

Last (and maybe least): Clare in Sacramento
I’m totally uninterested in Clare’s date or anything she has to say…until we get to the part where Clare’s sister calls her bullshit.  I’m interested in that.  Also, I’m REALLY sorry her dad is gone, but I’m soooooo over hearing her whine about being a daddy’s girl and how much he spoiled her.

Sister #1, married 20 “some-odd” years: supportive, happy, asks good questions, genuinely excited for Clare.
Sister #2 (the bitter sister) Debbie Downer and Momma: devil’s advocate (but not in a good way), Momma doesn’t get to speak…waiting for Momma to bitch-slap a mofo, can Momma get a word in?! Bitch, please!
Sidenote: It’s a good thing we’re not drinking when they say Momma or we’d all be annihilated and this blog would be getting REALLY hard to read.

It’s One Pollo’s time with Momma and here comes “the bitter sister” again…can someone kennel the guard dog, please?  Oh, thank Jesus, Momma (drink) gets to talk and she’s very sweet to One Pollo and welcomes him to the family.

Rose Time!
BamaBoy initiates a minutes-long conversation about real vs fake boobs on Clare.  Apparently, he knows entirely too much about boobs.  Men.

We’re pretty sure Clare goes home tonight even before the rose ceremony.  The previews for tomorrow showed Renee and Andi after the Fantasy Suites, but I’m also pretty sure they showed Nikki crying.  Alrighty, let’s see if the producers have forgone (Get it?!  “Forgo your separate rooms for the Fantasy Suite?!!” No…mmm) any suspense and already given it away.

Nikki, Clare (WTF….) and
BamaBoy: “WE KNOW CHRIS HARRISON!!!”  You’d think this was an LSU game or something…not the final rose.
Andi get roses.

Well, obviously Renee was our unanimous favorite, so there was a LOT of cursing and yelling at the TV. Renee handles it like a champ, Duh!  And One Pollo looks like he had to eat crow, “Well, he’s going to realize that soon when Andi high tails it out of the Fantasy Suite.”

BamaBoy begins to tell YET ANOTHER story.
Me: “Have you NO RESPECT for this show?!
BamaBoy and J together: “NO, does ANYONE?!” Harsh.

Well, no need to wait until next week, folks!!  We’ll be back tomorrow for the Fantasy Suites of DOOM!!
Good night and, as Nikki’s dad would say, “Thank you for your time.”

-T

Disclaimer: Mommer, BamaBoy, J and I are in no way affiliated with ABC, The Bachelor, Chris Harrison, Xanax or The Princess Bride ( I WISH!).  We are not being compensated for our fantabulous fun times in any way.  We’re just glad to see some of you getting to enjoy our Monday Night “Lady” Fights as much as we do!

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