BamaBoy Blogs Bachelor: Fantasy Suites of DOOM

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I know, I know, you were thinking, ‘Why, oh WHY, do I have to wait another week for BamaBoy’s whitty comebacks to the Bachelor?!?!’ Well, guess what?!  You are IN LUCK because tonight is PART 2 of this week’s Bachelor Experience!!  We’re not completely sure why they’re totally screwing with the Bachelor episode lineups, but we have a few theories.
A) We’re thinking One Pollo might be Brad Womack 2.0.  What does that mean, you ask? (Newbie.)  Brad left his first go-round on the Bachelor still single after he left BOTH women high-and-dry at the final rose ceremony.  If this is true, is it because the girls find out he’s a douche-canoe and leave him? or because he realizes he should have picked Renee (yes, we’re still a little bitter) and walks away.
B) He decides after the Fantasy Suite dates that he has a bad case of the Clare’s and tells the other girls to pack it in.  We think that’s stupid because, let’s face it, we haven’t been Team Clare since the beginning, but it’s entirely possible.  One Pollo’s been drinkin’ her Kool-Aid from the first one-on-one in the snow.

Well, tonight should be interesting to say the least.  Looks like we got stood up tonight by Mommer, but we’ve got ourselves a nice box-o-wine and we’re READY TO DRAMA!!

One Pollo and the final three “ladies” are headed to St. Lucia (Pretty!) for the Fantasy Dates!

Clare’s got the first Fantasy Date and they’re “excited” to spend the day together.  After a short ride on a skiff, they make it to their personal yacht. Poor babies. Clare brings up Laura, AKA The Bitter Sister, and somehow turns that convo into “he loves my family.”
J: “He never said that.”
One Pollo is looking forward to “getting to know each other better” in the Fantasy Suite.  Yeah, he does!!
Clare talks about how much she really wants to meet Camila and talk to her and get to know her.
BamaBoy: “and I want to know if she likes apples or not?!” Yes, this is how random that conversation was.
J: “But the second that little girl gets more attention than you do…” Exactly.

Obviously, they open the Fantasy Suite card and debate the option to stay together.  She wants to take into consideration Camila and his feelings about how she might feel.
BamaBoy: “You care what Camila thinks? Sure ya do.”
J: “So, is that a yes or a no on the banging?” Yup.

After heading to the Fantasy Suite, there’s a lot of slurping, non-passionate kisses.
There’s also a lot of love talk, baby talk, and petting of Clare’s face.
Hot tub, more slurping.  Fade to water and a candle.
BamaBoy: “I wish there were one of those rubber ducky thermometers in the hot tub.”
Me: “How are they going to know if the water’s too hot or not?!

Andi’s up next and with a, “Heee-eeyyy!” and lots of follow-up “Hi”s, they head to Dennery’s Seafood Fiesta.  They get an “unplanned” metal drum lesson.  Sure.
They head to eat at a picnic table with some random kids and ask to sit with them.  One Pollo gets the kid (who’s ADORABLE) some juice.
J: “This is sooooo fake!”
Then, of course, they find out the kids play soccer.
BamaBoy: “Oh wait, yup, the shirt’s coming off.”
J: “Imagine that.”
They go for a dune buggy ride.
J: “I’ve totally never ridden in a vehicle before!”
Then, they go hang out by a waterfall, a perfect place for conversation!
Later, they go to dinner and One Pollo points out Andi’s admission that she “badly wanted to fall in love”. Good for him! I like that he’s direct and wants to confront the issue.  Although, I am realizing as I watch her talk, that she has this disgusted frown as she talks to him.
Red Flag: One Pollo still has a LOT of “I don’t knows” about Andi. And REALLY, the overnight is the make or break?  That makes you sound like a man-slut.  If one night is the deciding factor, you might be doing this wrong.

Alright, let’s get to the Fantasy Suite of DOOM already!!!
Well, we get there, no thanks to the TERRIBLE background music.
And now, there’s more slurping.
BamaBoy: “He’s a terrible kisser.”  *insert super-smacky kissy noises*

In the morning, One Pollo is super-happy about Andi.  He’s raving about their night together and laughing for “HOURS”.  He thinks she might be “the one” now.

Andi sees this VERY differently.  To her, the night was a DISASTER.
Wait, NOW she wants to admit she has always had concerns?!  Yeah, maybe that’s why he’s always had to reassure you.  Ok, so she raises a LOT of really good points: name dropping, only stories about himself, telling her about Clare’s overnight…yeah, that.  Andi’s sure it’s over.

J: “What HELL’s he doing with the damn horse?!”
He’s still on Cloud 9 from his nightmare date with Andi while prepping for his date with Nikki.
They go horse-back riding and he gives Nikki the bigger horse.  And even she points out that she, THANKFULLY,  brought pants.  Horses are no fun in a thong…oh yeah, One Pollo touched on that, too.  At least he’s concerned about her hoohaw, good husbands do that…I guess.
One Pollo talks about how he knows Nikki is happy from her smile.  Intuitive.
J: “Wait, you were looking at her face?”
BamaBoy: “She has a HEAD?!” “THAT’S where all the noise was coming from!” Classy.

Fantasy suite, more slurpy kissing.  They discuss her readiness for “this”.
J: “Get ready, you’re going to be a big sister!” LOL
Morning.

One Pollo meets up with Chris Harrison to discuss the week. He has NO IDEA what he’s going to do?!  That seems like, yet another, red flag.
We get to see the video messages from all the girls.  Nikki and Clare are sweet, optimistic and in love.  Andi’s was AWWWWKKKWWWWWAAAARDDDDD as she walks in slow motion up to meet One Pollo and dump his ass  talk about her feelings.

He still has No. Idea.

Once again, One Pollo is “ok” and tells her that if it’s not meant to be, it’s not meant to be.  He has no idea that he hurt her feelings, to be fair, though, she hasn’t even told him she was hurt.  She wants him to “feel something”. Amen.  For being down to 3 and he’s supposed to propose, he seems pretty unemotional.
They have it out and I honestly, have no idea even what to make of that whole thing.  Was he an ass?  Maybe.  Is she being too sensitive? Maybe. Are they meant to be? NO.  She says he told her she’s only here by “default” between her and Renee.  One Pollo says he doesn’t use that word and an entire argument ensues over the word “default”.
BamaBoy: “Well, you’re going home, by DEFAULT!”
J: “Hey, Nikki and Clare!  You made it to the final 2 by DEFAULT!”

Andi, although she raises some important points about getting to know someone before you MIGHT PROPOSE, also needs to realize that English is NOT his first language.  Her expectation is that he will completely grasp the language and it’s nuances despite the fact that he’s still LEARNING.  I’m NOT going to get on my teacher soapbox as a Dual Language ESL teacher, I’m NOT, but damn if I want to.  Get a grip lady…she even goes so far as to call him annoying. 
BamaBoy: “You’re ANNOYING!”

Andi, obviously, goes home.  So technically, Clare and Nikki make it to the Final 2, by default.  But, “It’s ok.” The basic consensus is that they were both in the wrong about different points, but what is glaringly obvious is that they WOULD NOT have worked out.  Better to end it now, than later.

Rose Time:
The “ladies” are confused by the fact that Andi’s gone.  And, is it just our TV or does it look like Nikki has a mustache. J sees it too, but it might be our TV or a very unflattering shadow.

One Pollo tells Clare and Nikki about Andi leaving because she didn’t have feelings for him.  He offers to always be open to them about his feelings.  He opens the floor up to anyone who might want to tell him they also want to leave. Crickets.

Nikki and Clare both accept roses.

Next week: THE WOMEN START SOME SHIT!!
In two weeks: Brad Womack 2.0???  Maybe, but Nikki might be willing to look past a LOT because she doesn’t “want to lose this”.  Young love’ll do that.

Well, until next week, goodnight, good lovin’ and don’t worry, “It’s ok.”
-T

Disclaimer: BamaBoy, J and I, despite our awesome dance moves and witty observational humor, are in no way affiliated with The Bachelor, Chris Harrison, ABC or Kool-Aid.  We are (still) not being compensated in any way (snacks or otherwise) for our weekly “lady dates”.  These are just our own words, on our own DVR time and not-for-profit in any way.

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