Nuthin’ says Bachelor Night quite like chili dogs and Miller Lite….I know, you’re jealous! *wink, wink….Seriously though, we are BACK!! And once again, it’s freezing here. My poor little toesies are COLD!! We might have another “It’s too cold for Austinites to leave their caves” day tomorrow! This weather is CRAZY like Tierra, people. Yesterday, the kids were swimming in the springs and now it’s 30° and might ice over.
Well, if we can’t keep things warm outside, let’s get things HEATED with One Pollo in Turpo, New Zealand – which One Pollo can’t say. You’d think they’d practice that before they take him there, but whatever!
Mommer: “What do you call the Bachelor without ABC?…Cops!! Come on, all those girl fights!! It’s the same, just in exotic locations!!”
Mommer: “Oh where are we going?!” “New Zealand” Flash forward a year. “Where are we going?!” “McDonald’s.”
They’re going to the Huka Lodge…don’t they have those in seedy bars?…Not the same. Oh. Yeah, that’s WAY prettier.
Mommer: “She’s a former NBA dancer?” “Does that mean unemployed, too?”
BamaBoy: “Yeah, it’s like entrepreneur but it means she’s past her prime.” OUCH!!
Clare is sad she doesn’t get the first one-on-one date, God forbid someone else interrupts your trip around the world with One Pollo, Sweetie.
Andi keeps reminding us how all this is getting so “real” – Mommer: “Yeah, REALLY real…” After their RiverJet trip, the driver tells them they’re getting out and swimming. After just being bundled up. Good idea.
Mommer: “It’s this really romantic place where only ridiculously skinny people can go.”
Mommer: “Well, the camera crew made it through there, so I’m pretty sure you’re going to make it.“
BamaBoy: “Good thing he didn’t bring Tits McGee (Kat) on a date like this…she’d have NEVER made it.“
BamaBoy: In his best Pet Semetary voice, “Things…that go up theah, they don’t come back the same…It’s not much furtheh now.” Great. Creeper.
Andi, “I realize the water’s actually really hot!” BamaBoy: “Oh, that’d be the sewage plant up the road…ABC didn’t tell you ’bout that. It was in the fine print.”
Clare gets the second one-on-one date and fakes surprise so….not well.
Andi and One Pollo talk and snuggle on the bridge after their dinner atmosphere exploded…literally.
Meanwhile, Mommer’s dog, Hollis, tries repeatedly to mount our dog, Sadie…well, SOMEONE’S in the Bachelor spirit….
It’s time for the über-romantic GROUP DATE!! And it’s Cassandra’s 22nd birthday. Yes, a date with 4 other women…WHAT A BIRTHDAY! Ok, nevermind, rolling down a giant hill in those OGO balls sounds like an AMAZING birthday!! I STAND corrected!
Sidenote: I looked for somewhere in Central texas to do this, but, alas, the hill country doesn’t seem to be “hilly” enough for OGO…darn.
AND they get to go to Hobbiton?!?! NO FAIR!! Alright, coolest date ever.
– Renee and One Pollo get some time away (I really like her!!) to talk and catch up. and kiss…a lot.
– Nikki’s there…she likes him… something, something, something…awkward kissing. (Sorry, I kinda zoned out.)
– Sharleen sits down, they say, “Hi” and he attacks her face….obviously, they have a deep, meaningful connection…she basically has to remove him from her face (twice) to attempt conversation. She’s having to LEAN AWAY from him to keep talking!! BamaBoy: “I know where he’s ‘at’. He’s on your FACE!”
– Cassandra’s mouth doesn’t move. It makes her seem fake. And she’s had one relationship…2 years ago.
And the rose goes to…Sharleen. Even she looks confused.
Uh oh! Cassandra’s back out the door.
I love that he asks her “How you doing?” Didn’t you just talk to her, like, 5 MINUTES ago?! And probably NOT GREAT now!
Birthday sucker punch…You’re going home.
BamaBoy: “He’s doing the right thing, but that 28 hours of flying is going to be a bitch!”
I just realized, we didn’t see Kat at all on this date. Hmmm, sign?!
It’s Clare’s second one-on-one/redemption date. BamaBoy: “Clare reminds me of Jake. She just wants to win.”
Red flag: “He’s more than welcome to say, Clare, I’m sorry.” Wait, wait, wait…you went to HIS room. Now you want an apology?! For what? Being honest about his regrets and morals? That’s a great way to build a relationship.
Clare: “Where are our boundaries?”
BamaBoy: “Right near your cervix.” BAHAHAHAHA!! Well played.
Mommer realizes the Bachelor is 2-hours long. Just now. “This is like chicks’ Die Hard!”
Me: “EVERY WEEK!!”
I think he gets it now.
One Pollo asks Clare if her heart is melting. Mommer: “That’s cheesy.” Amen, sister!
Clare says she likes casual and comfy, not formal. One Pollo says, “I’ll be back.”
Mommer: “He’s going to bring back Renee.” Hahahaha!!
They change into sweats (well, Hammer pants, but close) and relax. This is good, but I still think she’s just out to win.
BamaBoy: “Look at One Pollo, using new words after Clare taught him what ‘bolt’ meant!”
Cue romantic montage as Mike puts his freezing cold hands on my arm and makes me scream…always the romantic, that one. Swoon!!
One Pollo and Chris Harrison have a heart to heart about the “ladies” with lots of eyebrow raising and grunting. Men. One Pollo still doesn’t know who he’s going to propose to.
BamaBoy: “It’s Clare, which is a bad decision.”
We are all still hoping he’ll detach himself from Sharleen’s face or Clare’s butt and pick Renee.
Cocktail Time (isn’t that all the time on The Bachelor?):
Andi, Sharleen, and Clare already have roses.
Everyone thinks Renee and Nikki are shoe-ins.
That leaves Chelsie and Kat to hypothetically duke it out for who’s getting a rose. Surprise, surprise, they both are sure it’s them.
Well, we can’t all have roses or this is going to turn into Sister Wives.
As expected, Nikki gets a rose.
So does Renee.
Chris Harrison. Final rose. Duh.
Chelsie wins the Chelsie/Kat showdown.
Red Flag: Sharleen is emotional and feels guilty for still being here. She “feels more doubtful each week.” I just hope she sucks it up and bows out before he sends other girls home that actually want to be there. (I mean Renee.)
Next week, One Pollo and the “ladies” head to Miami – Sharleen wants to leave, Nikki and Clare have it out, and One Pollo ends up crying…things are never dull in BachelorNation!!
And the FINAL CONGRATULATIONS goes to MOMMER who finally made it through an entire episode without falling asleep!! WOOHOO!! Thanks for joining us for another week of Chicks’ Die Hard, Mommer. It’s been fun every week, even though you snore a little! ; )
Disclaimer: Mommer, BamaBoy and I are in no way affiliated with ABC, The Bachelor, BachelorNation, Miller Lite or Sister Wives. We are not being compensated in any way for our observations and banter. (Obviously, since we’re having chili dogs and we gave up on wine.) We just hope you’ve had fun with us and will come back next week or this is going to start to feel like a sad diary. Stay warm, or cool (depending on the day) and we’ll see you next Monday!