BamaBoy Blogs Bachelor: The Final Rose…Maybe



It is with a bittersweet heart that we greet you this week for Monday Night “Lady” Fights for tonight is the Final Rose, or IS IT?!?!?!?  We shall see!

Will One Pollo pick Nikki or Clare?  Will one (or both) of the “ladies” realize what a douchecanoe One Pollo is and drop him like a moldy burrito?  Will Nikki accept the final rose solely because she’s so über-competitive she can’t stand to lose?  Will she drop his ass on After the Final Rose?  SO MANY QUESTIONS and so little….no, it’s 3 hours.  Nevermind.

Well, Mommer, J, BamaBoy and I are back this week for a night of laughs (ours not theirs), tears (theirs not ours) and enough DRAMA to last… until next season!  We’re cooking up some Super Bowl food and we’ve got ourselves another “dang’ole box-o-wine” so we’re READY!

BamaBoy: “I just can’t wait to find who One Chicken is going to choose to break up with in a few months!
J: “Who’s going to be the next ex-One Pollo?!

Oh look, the previous Bachelor “stars” are back and tonight, “The drama continues”…yes, thank you Chris.
Was One Pollo here to find love in the first place? Chris Harrison tells us this is “the debate”.
BamaBoy: “How is that a debate?!
J: “I’d want to meet them at their house, not Saint Lucia.  I don’t want to marry into a family of hoarders! I need to know what I’m dealing with here!

Clare gets to meet the Pollos first.  Clare tells us again how much she loves family.
J: “Except for that one sister…

They talk about kids and Clare says she can’t wait to have “one for herself”.  It’s not a freakin puppy!  There’s a little more to it than that! At least she didn’t say “get one”.
In her one-on-one time with Momma Pollo, she finds out he’s hyperactive?  Really?  No, $h!t.
Momma Pollo tells her he’s sometimes very rude.
BamaBoy: “My son’s a d*@k, but ee’s ok.
Clare feels reaffirmed.
J: “That he’s a d*@k.

Rodrigo (Who invited Uncle Rico?!) tells her that when things get rough, One Pollo will be ready to walk away.
BamaBoy: “Wow, this is not a good sign. His whole family thinks he’s a d*@k.
Clare HoneyBadgers that shit and says she loves him anyway.  FOR REAL?!

Daddy Pollo is touchy-feely, too and throws out an “I love you”.
Looks like One Pollo’s nut doesn’t fall far from the tree…..take that as you will.

Nikki’s up next at the Pollo Place.  I really like her dress.
Nikki can’t help but fantasize that One Pollo might propose.
J: “Aim higher!
Nikki is way more relaxed, afterall, she has already met many of the family members in Miami.
Well, until she starts rambling….
Daddy Pollo isn’t all over Nikki like he was Clare.  But WOW, here we go again…
His dad says One Pollo’s self-centered and only thinks about what he wants.
Nikki says her feelings are really, real.
BamaBoy: “I like assholes!
There’s not a single person in his family that has had a nice thing to say about him.
Nikki is so in love…like…
**eye roll**
Momma Pollo says he likes to sit at home every weekend and watch TV.  So he’s self-centered and lazy, but hyperactive.  She predicts that Nikki will say, “Yes.”
J: “Sucker…”

Rodolfo adds his two-cents about what a d*@k One Pollo is…wait, is that Uncle Rico again?  No.
One Pollo fights a lot.
Wow, the red flags just keep PILING UP!!
Please someone figure this out!!

One Pollo wants to keep both.
Chris Harrison shuts him down and even comments on One Pollo’s family and their “honesty”.
BamaBoy: “Well, it looks like he might not be Dos Pollo.

I like that the first audience woman Chris Harrison talks to can’t get over his family calling him out and I couldn’t agree with her more, this IS going downhill FAST!
The next guy thinks this will end well. Hmm…well, it’s going to make you look REALLY good!
The previous Bachelor folks all agree that there are a LOT of red flags.

Clare and One Pollo are on a helicopter ride together.  There are no cameras or audio.  Clare outs him by telling us that One Pollo was an a$$…Really!  You don’t say.  What was it that clued you in finally?!
You realized One Pollo is a perv?   Thanks for showing up today.
AND JUST LIKE THAT, Clare has seen the light. But the angels – they ain’t-a-singin!

Clare reflects and (surprise, surprise) has figured out he’s a douchecanoe.
He’s here for the “hook-up”.
No mas besitos…the jig is up!
**Sidenote: They totally did it in the ocean and in the Fantasy Suite.
BamaBoy: “She does seem like the type of woman that could fit a canoe…”  Oh, geez!

About this time, a few other neighbors, including one we’ll name “Birthday Boy”, show up to join the “fun”.

Clare: “It’s been hard…”
Neighbor: “That’s what she said!”
BamaBoy: “Ee’s ok.”

One Pollo isn’t sure he’s ready….hmmm, well, you might have thought of that BEFORE you came on the show.

Clare wants him to be sure. Amen, sister.  She’s starting to buy his crap. NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Me: “I can’t believe she’s still drinking his Kool-aid.”
Mommer: “Damn, I forgot to buy Kool-aid!

One Pollo changes the subject by playing the song he and Clare danced to on their first date and she’s blinded by the music….UGH!  Now suddenly she can picture their life together.
Neighbor 2: “Yikes
BamaBoy: “I think I threw up a little in my mouth.”
Me: “Ee’s ok.”

Sharleen, remember “Yeah, sure girl!“, calls Clare out on ignoring her ‘woman’s intuition’.  Even Sean calls him out on his douchebaggery.  Wow, I gotta say, I haven’t used the word ‘douche’ this much in a LONG time.  But if the canoe fits…

Chris Harrison prefaces Nikki’s date by referring to One Pollo as “the man she thinks she’s in love with”…OUCH!!

More besitos. Bleh!!
Nikki thinks his whole family is awesome. Were you there?!  They all told you what an ass he is.
I’m not really sure what happened on their date.  I was blinded by her ignorance of the red flags.
He shows up at night and she’s dressed in white.  Dun, dun, dunnnnnnn…..

There’s a whole lotta NOT conversation going on….

Neighbor 2: “I feel like they just want us to know how much they both deserve whatEVER is coming.”
True, they’ve both had a chance to walk away but they didn’t.
One Pollo leaves and Nikki is in tears.  More red flags.

Whatever Clare is on, I need some.  Erasitol….that’s it.  You wake up feeling amazeballs.
Boat ride.
No foreboding music?!
Neighbor 2: “They’re not even going to come help her on that rickety… No.”

Ee’s ok.”
A lot of silence.
“You look pretty.” Really, good one One Pollo.

He smacks a lot.
Oh. My. GOD.  This is so AWKWARD!!!!
And if One Pollo smacks one more time….

Clare just got dumped.

Pretty sure he said, “I wish the Earth sucked me…”  I don’t even know what that means, but whaaaa?!
Clare’s gonna let him HAVE IT!!  YES!!!
NOW you lost respect for him?!  Thanks for showing up!
One Pollo has the balls to say, “Glad I didn’t pick her…” OH $H!T!!!
Apparently, she “really, really had faith in him.”
Birthday Boy: “What faith?!”
Clare wants to know where that man that would fight for her is…
Birthday Boy: “Not on TV!
Chris Harrison says that was hard to watch…
Birthday Boy: It was actually easy to watch!”

Nikki is “expecting a proposal”….awesome.
Even Chris Harrison thinks One Pollo’s an ass…cool, man.
Nikki can’t imagine her life without One Pollo….
Birthday Boy: “Oh my god, I’m going to throw up. I’m embarrassed for us as a species.”

One Pollo loves so much about her, but most of them have nothing to do with knowing her personally.
Birthday Boy: “A handred….

He’s not going to propose. But he’s not going to let her go…

Never, and I mean NEVER, have people been more in an uproar about a Yes!

Ok, After the Final Rose…
Was he here to find love?  Ummm, no. Obviously.

It’s perfectly clear that Chris Harrison is NOT a One Pollo fan.

Clare is back.
What’s with all the jet noise?!
She’s disappointed. Hmm, One Pollo let you down?  Tell me more about that.
I am shocked.
BamaBoy: “So you were shocked that you jumped on him in the ocean but surprised that he was there for the sex….mmmm…
She trusted the “process”.
BamaBoy: “Beach sex?”

This season has been one cluster-f&@k after another…
Thank you, Bachelor, for proving what a guilty-pleasure show you are.
I might not watch shows about New Jersey and teenage moms, but you’re close….and that’s not necessarily a good thing.

One Pollo is out.
5 people clapped.

He’s straight-forward – AKA a straight-up ass…..
For the first time, I agree with Andi.  There’s a difference between not knowing the language and being an a$$hole.
“Can I talk?!” One Pollo’s going to be a jerk to Chris Harrison?!  Idiot.

BamaBoy: “He’s just an asshole.” For being Team One Pollo from the beginning, this is a REVELATION.

Nikki comes out. “This is VERY OVER.” OH, yowza she means the show, NOT the relationship.  Well, I thought, maybe for a second but NOPE!  She doesn’t know if he’s in love with her. But, she’s still with him….

More red flags.

He’s never told her he loves her…
To be completely honest, you’re 24, desperate to find love and maybe you’re just being ignorant.

One Pollo’s back.
Oh, Jesus.  This is never going to work.

Chris Harrison asks, “Do you love her?” One Pollo,”I don’t get it.”   He’s an idiot.
I feel worse for her.
One Pollo, “When you interrupted me last time…”
He’s an ass.

I am busy blogging so I am sending BamaBoy to Whataburger…. Good for BamaBoy!!!! (He wrote this.)
I love that he’s such a sweet little monkey!  😉
Nikki is an idiot.  I feel sad for her.

Chris Harrison, “And they are ‘clearly’ in love…..”
Nikki, I had faith in you, but you’re an idiot.

A naive, young, idiot.
I can say that because I was 22 when I got married and now, 9 years later, we are not playing it by “what happens.”

Sadly, deep down, we all kind of hope the Bachelor will find real love and romance.  Clearly, it hasn’t in this season.  Even Chris Harrison has lost all respect for One Pollo.

Well, here’s hoping next season is better than this one.  We all know Andi is the new Bachelorette now, but here’s hoping she’s not an A-hole like One Chicken.

All the best,
– T

**Sidenote: BamaBoy went to Whataburger and got food for J and I.  It was glorious.  **God Bless, we aren’t affilitated with Whataburger, either….

Disclaimer: As we’ve been whining all season, we are in no way affiliated with ABC, The Bachelor, or Chris Harrison (although, let’s be honest, we’d be willing to take over his position anytime…”Ladies, this is the Final Rose, BIATCHES!!”).  We are not being compensated for our witty remarks or our flawless dance moves, not even with Kool-aid.  Until next season, we’ll miss you, but come back often – I’m sure we can find something to get catty about.  When does Revenge start?! **We are also not affiliated with Revenge.


BamaBoy Blogs Bachelor: “Ladies” Night



I’m really feeling like I need to buy a lotto ticket lately.  Thursday was a DOOZY, the weekend was pretty good, except for feeling somewhat crappy yesterday.  On the bright side, I got to take a 2-hour nap in the middle of the day – SCORE!!  Then, this morning, I was excited to leave early and get a few things before school for our Dr. Seuss Day, but ALAS, the truck wouldn’t start!  ARGH!!  Finally, after charging the truck battery (and thankfully a cup of coffee) we got to school on time.  But of course, the truck was dead again after school (I was leaving earlyish to cook and everything!) SOOOOOOO, FINALLY, at 5:45, our friend came to jump the truck.  I got home at 6:30. Awesome… I want to run that damn truck off a cliff.

One a brighter note, we might get another ice day/late start day, so I might get to sleep in tomorrow!  There is a little ray of hope.  And, it’s BACHELOR NIGHT!!

Tonight is the biggest, brightest, most candle-filled Monday Night “Lady” Fight of them all!  Get ready and get some wine (I’ve got my movin’ buddy!!”) tonight’s going to be good and really, real!

Looks like it’s another episode of “Everybody Hates One Pollo”.
But first, a little visit with Sean and Catherine to talk about their Wedding Night “quick fireworks!”  OUCH!
Apparently, Sean’s “man parts” got a lot more action from a stingray.  Awesome.
Mommer: “Ripe old age of 30?!  You can go f&$k yourself!”  He’s feeling a little bitter about being old.

We’re already trying to fill time and Chris chats with Miss Piggie and Kermit.
BamaBoy: “Look Vienna’s back!” Wow!…well, kinda.
Leave it to The Bachelor not to miss out an opportunity to capitalize on The Muppets.

Ding, Ding, Ding!  Introducing, the REJECTED “ladies!!!
Renee and Elise admit they were most attracted to One Pollo’s looks.
Cut to montage of the “ladies” talking about how hot he is, his dancing and soccer skills, and kissing. Blah, blah, blah, he’s amazeballs.

ALRIGHT, gettin’ to the nitty-gritty.  Everyone except for Renee feels like their relationship and time with One Pollo never got into actual conversation.  Kelly totally calls Lauren (from Austin) out on her “sour grapes” as Chris Harrison refers to them.  Even Andi stands up for One Pollo saying she still believes he came on the show for the right reasons.

Elise puts her pretty shoe in her mouth when she says One Pollo uses Camila as an “excuse”.  Good for Chris Harrison for calling her out on that!!  Wow!
Some things that came out:
– One Pollo contradicted many of his own “rules”.
– Dog Lover, Free Spirit, and Former NBA Dancer all = unemployed.
– One Pollo had “buyers remorse” with Clare. Hahaha!
– He handled the whole ocean-swimming deal like an a$$ by putting it all on Clare.

Sharleen gets the hot spot:
– Chris Harrison calls her “hot and cold”, too!  HA!!! I just said that!
– Kissing One Pollo gave her tunnel-vision.
– Watching Sharleen watch herself with One Pollo is pretty entertaining.
– Even though she’s “sure” he’s not “The One”, she still can’t sleep at night.
– He actually asked her about herself and had great conversation.
– The “ladies” all agree Sharleen was a front runner and one of his favorites.
– She doesn’t regret leaving.
– Good for her.

By the way, we’re on a 2-hour delay so far but the sleet is coming down pretty hard so it looks like we might actually get a day off!  Fingers crossed everyone!!

Renee’s up next on the hot seat:
– Renee found One Pollo romantic.
– She says, “Oh my god” a LOT and very quickly!
– BamaBoy: “She has a LOT of blush on…or she’s eating a WarHead…or she’s trying to be a fish.”
– She’s seems to be the most “normal” of all the “ladies”.
– She’s dating and happy!  YAY!
– She’s still our favorite!

Andi, post-Fantasy Suite of DOOM!!
– Dunn, dunn, dunnnnnnnnn…
– Negativity
– She’s brings up the “default” issue again.
– This is basically the same conversation she had with One Pollo.
– Chris Harrison calls her on the “pretending to be asleep” tactic.
– He was rude and an a$$, but not mean…J: “So he’s a moron.”
– Andi finally admits that he didn’t get it, not that he was trying to be an a$$hole.
– “This is how a great relationship, a great love is supposed to start.” J:”With 27 other women, right.”
– We think she’s campaigning pretty hardcore for the Bachelorette.

One Pollo is the Over-Warmed Hot Seat:
– Something about honesty.  Basically, the truth hurts sometimes.  Yes.
– “Eee’s ok.”  BAHAHAHAHA!!
– He says he has no regrets.
– Open to the “ladies” – someone give him a helmet.
– “I didn’t came to the show to kiss 27 women.” Obviously he didn’t follow in Bachelor Bob’s footsteps – the self-proclaimed BachelorSlut.
– “Eee’s ok.”

Questions from the “ladies”:
Andi: Everyone would have felt more appreciated had you gotten to know what everyone liked, who they are, called them a wife…. (That’s not a question.)
Sharleen gets called out: “Yes, he asked those questions, and we got to know each other.”
One Pollo: “It is what it is.”
Flower Power: “It’s not a GAME.”  You wore a FLOWER CROWN the first night. We can’t take you seriously.
Kelly calls him on the gay comment. One Pollo says it was taken out of context.
One Pollo: “I love gay people.” I’m not sure you’re making this better.
Sharleen to the rescue: “We talked about this. He is open-minded and accepting.”

Chris Harrison: “A lot of surprises this year.” I’ll say!
Bloopers (Time out: Why the f are they called Bloopers?!?! What does that even mean?):
– Lots of ridiculous dancing.
– One Pollo calling his package little…a couple of times.  The producer trying to help him not call his package little.
– Renee gets hit by lighting. Not lightning….LIGHTING.
– Shit falls down…a lot.
– Eeet’s ok.
– BamaBoy: “Never play ‘eet’s ok’ as a drinking game…you will die.”
– Someone kills a cat…Chris Harrison?!?!
– One Pollo wears pink shorts. (I think there’s a picture of BamaBoy in pink shorts around here somewhere…Ask my mom, she’s been scarred for life seen it.

Elise talks a lot.
The “ladies” vote for Team Clare or Team Nikki.
J: “Two week finale?!”
BamaBoy gives her the rundown of the two-week finale.  *Tear* Momma’s so proud!

I still call that Nikki stays but probably shouldn’t.
I think Clare sees the “light” that Andi saw.
If he picks Nikki, like I predict will happen by default…hee hee!
Here’s the rundown of final predictions from our house:
– Mommer: “I think he’s going to make a decision.” “Neither.”
– J: “He’s going to continue to be boring. I think he’ll pick Nikki.  She’ll say yes.”
– BamaBoy: “I think….he’s going the way of Brad (Womack) and he won’t pick either. He’s been dealing with enough bull shit and maybe because of language, maybe because of whatever…but none of the ‘ladies’ seem to render him ‘in love’.  I don’t think he found the one on this (oh, shit.) journey.”

Whatver happens, Eet’s ok! See you next week!
– T

Disclaimer: BamaBoy, J, Mommer and I are in no way affiliated with ABC, The Bachelor, or Chris Harrison.  We are not being compensated in any way for our witty observations….although, not so witty today. Suffice it to say we have a “Bad Case of the Mondays”.  Anywho, thanks for visiting, come back next week for “Lady” SuperBowl and more wine.  YAY!!

BamaBoy Blogs Bachelor: Fantasy Suites of DOOM



I know, I know, you were thinking, ‘Why, oh WHY, do I have to wait another week for BamaBoy’s whitty comebacks to the Bachelor?!?!’ Well, guess what?!  You are IN LUCK because tonight is PART 2 of this week’s Bachelor Experience!!  We’re not completely sure why they’re totally screwing with the Bachelor episode lineups, but we have a few theories.
A) We’re thinking One Pollo might be Brad Womack 2.0.  What does that mean, you ask? (Newbie.)  Brad left his first go-round on the Bachelor still single after he left BOTH women high-and-dry at the final rose ceremony.  If this is true, is it because the girls find out he’s a douche-canoe and leave him? or because he realizes he should have picked Renee (yes, we’re still a little bitter) and walks away.
B) He decides after the Fantasy Suite dates that he has a bad case of the Clare’s and tells the other girls to pack it in.  We think that’s stupid because, let’s face it, we haven’t been Team Clare since the beginning, but it’s entirely possible.  One Pollo’s been drinkin’ her Kool-Aid from the first one-on-one in the snow.

Well, tonight should be interesting to say the least.  Looks like we got stood up tonight by Mommer, but we’ve got ourselves a nice box-o-wine and we’re READY TO DRAMA!!

One Pollo and the final three “ladies” are headed to St. Lucia (Pretty!) for the Fantasy Dates!

Clare’s got the first Fantasy Date and they’re “excited” to spend the day together.  After a short ride on a skiff, they make it to their personal yacht. Poor babies. Clare brings up Laura, AKA The Bitter Sister, and somehow turns that convo into “he loves my family.”
J: “He never said that.”
One Pollo is looking forward to “getting to know each other better” in the Fantasy Suite.  Yeah, he does!!
Clare talks about how much she really wants to meet Camila and talk to her and get to know her.
BamaBoy: “and I want to know if she likes apples or not?!” Yes, this is how random that conversation was.
J: “But the second that little girl gets more attention than you do…” Exactly.

Obviously, they open the Fantasy Suite card and debate the option to stay together.  She wants to take into consideration Camila and his feelings about how she might feel.
BamaBoy: “You care what Camila thinks? Sure ya do.”
J: “So, is that a yes or a no on the banging?” Yup.

After heading to the Fantasy Suite, there’s a lot of slurping, non-passionate kisses.
There’s also a lot of love talk, baby talk, and petting of Clare’s face.
Hot tub, more slurping.  Fade to water and a candle.
BamaBoy: “I wish there were one of those rubber ducky thermometers in the hot tub.”
Me: “How are they going to know if the water’s too hot or not?!

Andi’s up next and with a, “Heee-eeyyy!” and lots of follow-up “Hi”s, they head to Dennery’s Seafood Fiesta.  They get an “unplanned” metal drum lesson.  Sure.
They head to eat at a picnic table with some random kids and ask to sit with them.  One Pollo gets the kid (who’s ADORABLE) some juice.
J: “This is sooooo fake!”
Then, of course, they find out the kids play soccer.
BamaBoy: “Oh wait, yup, the shirt’s coming off.”
J: “Imagine that.”
They go for a dune buggy ride.
J: “I’ve totally never ridden in a vehicle before!”
Then, they go hang out by a waterfall, a perfect place for conversation!
Later, they go to dinner and One Pollo points out Andi’s admission that she “badly wanted to fall in love”. Good for him! I like that he’s direct and wants to confront the issue.  Although, I am realizing as I watch her talk, that she has this disgusted frown as she talks to him.
Red Flag: One Pollo still has a LOT of “I don’t knows” about Andi. And REALLY, the overnight is the make or break?  That makes you sound like a man-slut.  If one night is the deciding factor, you might be doing this wrong.

Alright, let’s get to the Fantasy Suite of DOOM already!!!
Well, we get there, no thanks to the TERRIBLE background music.
And now, there’s more slurping.
BamaBoy: “He’s a terrible kisser.”  *insert super-smacky kissy noises*

In the morning, One Pollo is super-happy about Andi.  He’s raving about their night together and laughing for “HOURS”.  He thinks she might be “the one” now.

Andi sees this VERY differently.  To her, the night was a DISASTER.
Wait, NOW she wants to admit she has always had concerns?!  Yeah, maybe that’s why he’s always had to reassure you.  Ok, so she raises a LOT of really good points: name dropping, only stories about himself, telling her about Clare’s overnight…yeah, that.  Andi’s sure it’s over.

J: “What HELL’s he doing with the damn horse?!”
He’s still on Cloud 9 from his nightmare date with Andi while prepping for his date with Nikki.
They go horse-back riding and he gives Nikki the bigger horse.  And even she points out that she, THANKFULLY,  brought pants.  Horses are no fun in a thong…oh yeah, One Pollo touched on that, too.  At least he’s concerned about her hoohaw, good husbands do that…I guess.
One Pollo talks about how he knows Nikki is happy from her smile.  Intuitive.
J: “Wait, you were looking at her face?”
BamaBoy: “She has a HEAD?!” “THAT’S where all the noise was coming from!” Classy.

Fantasy suite, more slurpy kissing.  They discuss her readiness for “this”.
J: “Get ready, you’re going to be a big sister!” LOL

One Pollo meets up with Chris Harrison to discuss the week. He has NO IDEA what he’s going to do?!  That seems like, yet another, red flag.
We get to see the video messages from all the girls.  Nikki and Clare are sweet, optimistic and in love.  Andi’s was AWWWWKKKWWWWWAAAARDDDDD as she walks in slow motion up to meet One Pollo and dump his ass  talk about her feelings.

He still has No. Idea.

Once again, One Pollo is “ok” and tells her that if it’s not meant to be, it’s not meant to be.  He has no idea that he hurt her feelings, to be fair, though, she hasn’t even told him she was hurt.  She wants him to “feel something”. Amen.  For being down to 3 and he’s supposed to propose, he seems pretty unemotional.
They have it out and I honestly, have no idea even what to make of that whole thing.  Was he an ass?  Maybe.  Is she being too sensitive? Maybe. Are they meant to be? NO.  She says he told her she’s only here by “default” between her and Renee.  One Pollo says he doesn’t use that word and an entire argument ensues over the word “default”.
BamaBoy: “Well, you’re going home, by DEFAULT!”
J: “Hey, Nikki and Clare!  You made it to the final 2 by DEFAULT!”

Andi, although she raises some important points about getting to know someone before you MIGHT PROPOSE, also needs to realize that English is NOT his first language.  Her expectation is that he will completely grasp the language and it’s nuances despite the fact that he’s still LEARNING.  I’m NOT going to get on my teacher soapbox as a Dual Language ESL teacher, I’m NOT, but damn if I want to.  Get a grip lady…she even goes so far as to call him annoying. 
BamaBoy: “You’re ANNOYING!”

Andi, obviously, goes home.  So technically, Clare and Nikki make it to the Final 2, by default.  But, “It’s ok.” The basic consensus is that they were both in the wrong about different points, but what is glaringly obvious is that they WOULD NOT have worked out.  Better to end it now, than later.

Rose Time:
The “ladies” are confused by the fact that Andi’s gone.  And, is it just our TV or does it look like Nikki has a mustache. J sees it too, but it might be our TV or a very unflattering shadow.

One Pollo tells Clare and Nikki about Andi leaving because she didn’t have feelings for him.  He offers to always be open to them about his feelings.  He opens the floor up to anyone who might want to tell him they also want to leave. Crickets.

Nikki and Clare both accept roses.

In two weeks: Brad Womack 2.0???  Maybe, but Nikki might be willing to look past a LOT because she doesn’t “want to lose this”.  Young love’ll do that.

Well, until next week, goodnight, good lovin’ and don’t worry, “It’s ok.”

Disclaimer: BamaBoy, J and I, despite our awesome dance moves and witty observational humor, are in no way affiliated with The Bachelor, Chris Harrison, ABC or Kool-Aid.  We are (still) not being compensated in any way (snacks or otherwise) for our weekly “lady dates”.  These are just our own words, on our own DVR time and not-for-profit in any way.

BamaBoy Blogs Bachelor: Hometowns from Hell



Good evening everyone and welcome back to an ALL NEW BamaBoy Blogs the Bachelor!  If you’re just joining us, you should know that this all began against BamaBoy’s will.  He has been my Bachelor watching sidekick for a long time and he’s CATTY!  We’ve always had so much fun and have finally gotten our friend & neighbor Mommer to join us on our weekly escapades so we thought it only natural to bring you, the world-wide interwebs into our girl drama-laden Monday nights!  We like to call it Monday Night “Lady” Fights!

If you have no idea what we’re talking about but love girl drama as much as any other closet reality show lover, you’ve found the right place.  Grab some wine and get ready!!  We’re BACK for another week!!

Let’s get this party started.  Refill, please!!! … Please?!
I’m still waiting for BamaBoy to begin responding appropriately, (“As you wish”) you know, because we have “Twoo Love”!
Sorry for the tangent, but have you seen this?! Awesome!!

Alright, it’s HOMETOWNS!!  Tonight is sure to be full of daddy-daughter drama, “love” and what seems (from the previews) to be a new episode of “Everybody Hates One Pollo”.

First up: Nikki in Kansas City
I was pretty interested in the barbeque at Oklahoma Joe’s until she called it “gas station barbeque”.  I might be missing the reference, maybe it’s a Kansas City thing (anyone?) but I think old egg salad and nasty bathrooms when I think of gas stations.  Not really delicious barbeque.

Next, One Pollo rides a mechanical bull.  Nothing says, “How do you handle stress?” like a pair of squished nuts followed by awkward conversation.  What the hell happened there?  I, honestly, have NO IDEA what they were talking about.  It was more like a series of grunts, “I don’t knows” and “maybes”. Great date…hmmm.  Nikki really wants to tell him she loves him.  This seems forced.  Like really forced.

YES!! J just showed up from across the street and she’s READY!
J: “You love her for her honesty…she’s a dyed blonde.

Is Nikki’s dad a preacher or a psychiatrist?  He is overly analytic and calm.  He really seems to like to “talk it out”.
Now that I think of it, our house would be a lot more like this if we were all medicated.  I’m leaning more towards psychiatrist.

After all that, Nikki doesn’t tell him she loves him.

Next: Andi in Atlanta
BamaBoy: “I have never seen a season of this without ducks!” This is a REALLY good point. “How much are they paying the ducks?!
J: “The ducks aren’t unionized…they get nothing.” (J is a lawyer….can you tell?!)
Andi is taking him on a “surprise date” but asks him about 5 billion times if he can handle it.  Are you ready? Are you sure?
Mommer: “Can we just get this over with already?
BamaBoy: “Do you want to ask me 5 more times if I’m ready?
They head to a shooting range…finally.
J points out, “Hey!  We didn’t have to wait 30 minutes for him to rebuild her confidence and listen to her whine this week!” Another good point!
Andi handles a gun pretty well, guess that’s how she wins most of her cases. 😉
One Pollo’s turn!  He misses twice, but not without Andi pointing it out.  She might as well have yelled , “You SUCK!”
BamaBoy: “At least he knows he has someone to protect him!
J: “Was the zoo closed?!

The door at Andi’s parents’ house says, “Welcome Home, Pookie!” This could be cute and sweet or as Mommer says, “RED FLAG!!”

5 minutes in, Dad is already grilling One Pollo and Andi.  Even Andi realizes he disapproves.  AKA Dad’s a d*@k.
Dad obviously hasn’t watched the Bachelor because he doesn’t seem to grasp the way the show works.  (Much like many of the “ladies” in the beginning.)
Sidenote: I get being skeptical, but seriously, did you NOT KNOW this might happen?!  And if you thought she was just going to get sent home before this, why’d you let her go?

One Pollo talks to Andi’s mom and they discuss dancing.
J: “Yes, let’s discuss the important things.  Like dancing!”
One Pollo says he’s realized (NOW?!) that he and Andi are best when they’re having fun.
BamaBoy: “Really. I always thought the best parts were when we’re miserable and fighting.”
Mommer: “Maybe that’s why I’m single. Every time I’m with a date I’m like ‘Let’s just sit and be miserable together!”
One Pollo asks if Andi’s dad has any other questions for him.  Andi’s dad replies with a too-quick, “Nope!”
Mommer: “Let’s get this the f*#k OVER!” “It’s kind of like when you go on a job interview and you realize halfway through you don’t want the job anyway.  They’ll ask, ‘Do you have any questions for us?’ Yeah, do you validate parking?!” LOL…exactly.
Andi’s sister gets her to admit that she thinks he’s hot, but she’s not getting “deeper”.  I think it’s time for Andi to realize she’s NEVER been sure.  Andi even admits that she’s “just not there yet” and she “really wants someone to tell her she’s the one.”
Andi’s dad recollects his conversation to the family and that is NOT what he said!  Well, not what the producers edited.  He tells everyone he said that he’s sure that if Andi picks One Pollo, he’d have their blessing.  That’s not what we saw!  He said, “IF you come to me and say ‘she’s the only one for me’ then we’ll have that conversation”….not the same.

Third: Renee in Sarasota, FL
Renee, of course, can’t wait to see her son.  But then she says she is going to “literally, eat [her] son”.  Creepy.  I get it, missing your kid.  But cannibalism is taking it too far. (I can say that, I’m a mom.  Mommer doesn’t understand ‘cuz he doesn’t have kids. 😉  Sorry, inside joke.  Mommer gets it. No nasty notes.)

Renee and One Pollo hang out with her son and they seem to get along well.  One Pollo’s already talking about playing sports with him!!  They get to watch his baseball game and good for ABC for planning a realistic date.

Overall, this family time seems WAY less eventful than Andi’s but that’s not a bad thing.  Renee says she’s in love with One Pollo, with little to no emotion. But I think that’s just the way she talks.  BamaBoy: “Are they just handing out the Xanax?!”  Where’s mine? Anywhoo….I think Renee and One Pollo seems to be the most natural and easy together.  I might biased because we all like her.  Once again, she says telling him she loves him doesn’t feel right at the time.

Last (and maybe least): Clare in Sacramento
I’m totally uninterested in Clare’s date or anything she has to say…until we get to the part where Clare’s sister calls her bullshit.  I’m interested in that.  Also, I’m REALLY sorry her dad is gone, but I’m soooooo over hearing her whine about being a daddy’s girl and how much he spoiled her.

Sister #1, married 20 “some-odd” years: supportive, happy, asks good questions, genuinely excited for Clare.
Sister #2 (the bitter sister) Debbie Downer and Momma: devil’s advocate (but not in a good way), Momma doesn’t get to speak…waiting for Momma to bitch-slap a mofo, can Momma get a word in?! Bitch, please!
Sidenote: It’s a good thing we’re not drinking when they say Momma or we’d all be annihilated and this blog would be getting REALLY hard to read.

It’s One Pollo’s time with Momma and here comes “the bitter sister” again…can someone kennel the guard dog, please?  Oh, thank Jesus, Momma (drink) gets to talk and she’s very sweet to One Pollo and welcomes him to the family.

Rose Time!
BamaBoy initiates a minutes-long conversation about real vs fake boobs on Clare.  Apparently, he knows entirely too much about boobs.  Men.

We’re pretty sure Clare goes home tonight even before the rose ceremony.  The previews for tomorrow showed Renee and Andi after the Fantasy Suites, but I’m also pretty sure they showed Nikki crying.  Alrighty, let’s see if the producers have forgone (Get it?!  “Forgo your separate rooms for the Fantasy Suite?!!” No…mmm) any suspense and already given it away.

Nikki, Clare (WTF….) and
BamaBoy: “WE KNOW CHRIS HARRISON!!!”  You’d think this was an LSU game or something…not the final rose.
Andi get roses.

Well, obviously Renee was our unanimous favorite, so there was a LOT of cursing and yelling at the TV. Renee handles it like a champ, Duh!  And One Pollo looks like he had to eat crow, “Well, he’s going to realize that soon when Andi high tails it out of the Fantasy Suite.”

BamaBoy begins to tell YET ANOTHER story.
Me: “Have you NO RESPECT for this show?!
BamaBoy and J together: “NO, does ANYONE?!” Harsh.

Well, no need to wait until next week, folks!!  We’ll be back tomorrow for the Fantasy Suites of DOOM!!
Good night and, as Nikki’s dad would say, “Thank you for your time.”


Disclaimer: Mommer, BamaBoy, J and I are in no way affiliated with ABC, The Bachelor, Chris Harrison, Xanax or The Princess Bride ( I WISH!).  We are not being compensated for our fantabulous fun times in any way.  We’re just glad to see some of you getting to enjoy our Monday Night “Lady” Fights as much as we do!

BamaBoy Blogs Bachelor: It’s Really Real…



Well, you know how Mondays generally suck?  They suck even more when you have a stomach virus!  Not only did my alarm not go off this morning so I started my day in a rush, but then I couldn’t keep liquids down for most of the day.  Not fun. At least now, I’ve managed to eat a pork taco, thanks Mommer!  Hopefully, I’ll start feeling better soon.  Sorry ahead of time if this week’s a little less “full of life” – I’m trying, here!  On the bright side, we’ve brought in another neighbor.  We’ll call her J.  She’s fun and she’s agreed to join us for this week’s Monday Night “Lady” Fights!

Tonight, we’re headed to Miami with One Pollo and the “ladies” and now it’s really real….

Of course, we have to visit Camila first.  Mommer: “I’m kind of over them using his kid for ratings.”

J: “I’m waiting for the gay Bachelor.”
BamaBoy: “We had that.  It was Jake’s season.” OUCH!

After a discussion about how Bachelors are selected, J: “So they pick losers…like you lost, here’s your prize.” Kinda, yeah…pretty much!

Sharleen has the first one-on-one date, which seems to be a good thing, so she can figure out why she’s here.
J: “She’s not sure why she’s here?!”
J: “What’s a ‘science educator’? They’re not called teachers in Ohio?”

Mommer: “I’m sticking with the McDonald’s date – it’s more realistic.” 

Here’s the thing: The only time Sharleen’s happy is when she’s attached to One Pollo’s face.  Otherwise, she’s wanting to go home.  This is not a good foundation for a relationship.  You can’t be attached to his face all the time.  Also, she wasn’t sure she wanted to settle down before this and she’s never really been motivated to be a mom…HELLO?!?!

The sad thing is One Pollo is definitely drinking the Sharleen kool-aid and this isn’t going to end well.  Hopefully, for his sake, sooner rather than later.

BamaBoy: “DAMN, she’s got big ears.  I bet One Pollo is happy he gets HBO when she’s around!
J: “Shhhh!!  She can hear you!!
BamaBoy: “She’d better be careful or she’s going to turn and pick up the naughty channels!

Sharleen still can’t make up her mind.  Well, she’d better.  And quickly!
Yes, please talk it out with Renee, so she can tell your ass to pack it up.

Nikki’s up and there’s already been a close-up crotch shot.  Way to go, camera guy.
One Pollo tells her they’re going to Camila’s dance recital and she looks pretty terrified.
Nikki gets to meet his family and Camila’s mom (who looks pissed!) and she says it’s all so “mind-blowing”.
J: “I think that’s all the bleach in your hair, honey!”

They drive into the Marlin’s stadium.  J: “They’ve had a shitty season.  Of course, they’ll let anyone just drive in there. There’s actually a game going on RIGHT now!”  Bahahaha!  They just needed seat fillers.
Mommer: “He just keeps staring at her tits.”
J: “Well, you don’t wear a shirt like that without knowing that’s going to happen.”

Sharleen finally tells all the “ladies”(have you seen the preview for the “lady fight” in a few minutes?!) how she’s feeling and she’s ready to talk to One Pollo.  She’s got her bags packed and she’s FINALLY made up her mind.
Why is she whispering?!  You know they’re still going to air this, right?!  Now we have to read it, too.  THANKS.

Mommer: “He is a rather suave gentleman. He’s so nice and genuine.”
J: “Why are we still whispering?”
Sharleen leaves and One Pollo can’t say enough nice things about her and her honesty.  Good for him, but good for her for finally being honest about her feelings. Except that she ruined it by saying, “I just wish I didn’t have to make choices.”
J:”It’s called LIFE!

Chelsie, Renee, Andi and Clare have the group date.  They are taking a seaplane to the beach.  Chelsie shares the notes her family wrote her with One Pollo and he loves them.  Andi can only talk about the rose.  And we’re spending yet ANOTHER one-on-one time with One Pollo comforting her and reassuring her.  THAT’s getting old and I’m NOT dating her!
J: “It would save a lot of time if she’d just take an anti-depressant.
Clare has turned into a spoiled brat.  Has she EVER been told no?!
J: “Look, even God’s crying after listening to Clare.” 
Andi gets what can’t help but feel like a pity rose.  Of course, Clare is pissed.  Hey, Clare, your evil bitch horns are showing again.  You might wanna cover those back up.
J: “If she’s like this now, she’s not going to handle being a step mom very well AT ALLShe’s got to GO!”

Andi and One Pollo head to a concert and begin dancing in front of everyone.  Awkward.  Mostly because she’s not moving her feet.

Meanwhile, back in Clare’s “castle”, Clare’s in full bitch-mode.  Go figure, she’s disappointed she didn’t get the rose.  Nikki leaves the room and Clare needs to pick a fight.  Clare is not okay with Nikki “getting to be a bitch all the time” – tired of sharing the pedestal much?

Mommer: “Zzzzzzz….”  Looks like last week was a fluke.

Cocktail Party Rundown:
BamaBoy: “‘I need to see this guy’?  Why can’t Chelsie just say she wants One Chicken to meet her family.” 

Nikki thinks she already has a rose.  Now she’s beginning to sound like Clare.
Please stop talking.
J: “Ugh.”

Nikki and Clare are left alone together and you can literally hear crickets and a truck backing up.
BamaBoy: “Where’s the Jeopardy theme song when you need it.”

Thank GOD for Chris Harrison!

One Pollo tells Chris Harrison he’s going to “try to think”.
J: “Go try, honey.”

Rose Time!
Andi already has a rose.

Chris Harrison, “Here comes Juan Pablo.”
J: “Wait, he’s coming?  Are you sure?”

Nikki, Clare, and Renee get roses.
BamaBoy: “Where was Chris Harrison?  How were we supposed to know it was the FINAL ROSE?!”

Chelsie’s going home.
J: “Good, science educator…pffffffft.”
J: “That’s right, Clare.  It should have been you.”
For being new to Bachelor Night, she sure catches on quickly!!

BamaBoy on Chelsie wanting a partner in crime: “Why do you want to be a criminal?! Maybe that’s why he didn’t pick you. You know he has trouble with figures of speech!”

Next week:
Wait, fantasy suite?!  What?
Oh, and our bet is that One Pollo overheard Andi’s poop noises and that’s what went “horribly wrong”.

Alright, well, despite feeling awful all day, tonight was pretty fun and Monday Night “Lady” Fights didn’t disappoint, once again.  Here’s to a better week and that no one else gets my “funk”.

This is the final sentence…
– T

Disclaimer: BamaBoy, Mommer, J and I are in no way affiliated with The Bachelor,  ABC, or McDonald’s.  We are not being compensated in any way  for our random musings and catty behavior, although we’d be willing to barter for snacks!  ; )  

BamaBoy Blogs Bachelor: Jungle Love Edition



Mommer’s back and we’re ready to RUUUUUMMMMMMMMBBBBBBBLLLLLLLEEEEEEE!  Monday Night “Lady” Fights are back and we are ready!  After all the Super Bowl food I took in yesterday, I feel like I should do 20 crunches every time someone says “feelings”…BAHAHA, just kidding!  My butt says, “Nah, let’s chill here!!”

You know it’s going to be good when The Bachelor posts this on Facebook:

Picture 1So, here’s a toast to seeing how Clare manages to royally %@*# up a seemingly great start to a relationship.  And, just to really class up the joint, BamaBoy surprised me with a giant Stella Artois, for moi!!


My hand looks so TINY!! That’s BamaBoy’s butt-shot you’re getting, too! Lucky, YOU!!

Tonight, the “ladies” and One Pollo are headed to Vietnam…Really, NO, Lt. Dan?!  Still waiting for that Run-through-the-jungle-with-a-military-pack-just-to-build-some-common-empathy date, but it looks like THAT’s going to be a big let down.  Speaking of let downs, Mommer decided to keep it a little trashy tonight with his giant Mickey’s Malt Liqour, because no Bachelor night is complete without a little dip in class!


While Vietnam does look beautiful, the group date seems AWKWARD as ever!!  Especially when Clare’s trying a little too hard to TRAMPle the competition…ya see that?!  Oh, I crack myself up!  Anywho, One Pollo has 11 girls left…

Mommer: “I got 99 problems and bitches are 11 of ’em!”  Bahahaha!  Well, played, Mommer, well played.

Yes, Kat, it’s exactly like Carmen Sandiego, except that Chris Harrison keeps TELLING YOU WHERE HE IS!!  On that note, combining the Bachelor and the Amazing Race is NOT a bad idea – you can have the date card, but you’ve got to FIND it first!! Maybe CBS and ABC should talk that out, just saying.

Renee gets the first one-on-one date and it’s about freaking time.  I’m interested to see how this goes because she just “really, really, [wants] to kiss him!”  Score 1 for One Pollo, Renee gets a STROLLER ride through town!  That’s a NICE change of pace for a mom!!  Good one, OP!  Renee gets felt up by the dress-lady and One Pollo looks like he’s trying to vicariously get to 2nd base through her.  There’s another awkward, “I want to kiss him” moment and then, a shot of a paper lantern floating in the river.

Mommer: “Awww! They litter!”

BamaBoy: “Ten bucks, says whatever is embroidered on that hat for her kid translates to something inappropriate in Vietnamese.”

Something shooting fire…

Mommer: “You think they’re going to go out for Vietnamese food?”

Mommer: “There’s no one there!  That place must SUCK!!” Followed by a conversation about The Bachelor renting out entire places for privacy…”Well, good, ‘cuz, otherwise, you might want to rethink that!”

BamaBoy: “When did you get married, 21, 22, or 23?  Shouldn’t you remember that?!”

Me: “He’s blowing in her face!!  God, I hope he ate something really gross right before that!!”

BamaBoy: “Thank you for the shallot wind, sir.”

Andi is sad because she is on ANOTHER group date. Sad trombone says, “Whaa, Whaa, Whaaaaaaaaa.”

One Pollo gives Renee the rose and they decide to walk around. Who’s calling impromptu concert/surprise local treat?!?!  Me. Oh look, women with paper lanterns!

Coming up next, Clare’s One-on-One Date plus 8!  Wow, the mash-up TV ideas are just spewing out of me tonight!! The one time Clare’s lack of friends seems to have just worked to her advantage!! She gets left out of the buddy system and gets One Pollo instead.  The girls are pissed that they let this happen.

BamaBoy: “Blue shorts and tank tops seem to be the “thing” this season.”  Guess we should stock up!

Andi said, “JOURNEY!”  Everybody drinks!

BamaBoy: “Wow, a GARDEN!  We totally don’t have those in America!”
A) Who is that?
B) How has she never seen a garden?
C) Andi needs to learn basic math – it’s impossible for him to have had one-on-one dates with everyone already.

Mommer: “What a bitch.” Duh! Kelly’s claws have COME OUT!!  Let’s face it, she’s not top 8, the jealousy’s setting in strong.

BamaBoy: “Clare seems like the Jake Pavelka of bachelorettes.”
Mommer: “Who’s Jake?”
BamaBoy: “I’ve been at this a long time.”

“Yeah, sure” girl (I already forgot her name, sorry) does nothing but make out through her one-on-one time, AGAIN.  She goes into it with “questions”, but loses focus.  This doesn’t seem like it’s going to get much deeper than make-out sessions.

Andi spends the beginning of her one-on-one time whining about how hard this process is, AGAIN.  Followed by some playful teasing and more making out.

Clare gets the rose and several “I’mma shank you” looks from the other group dater-haters.

Clare can’t get enough One Pollo from her date-jacking so she goes rogue and steals One Pollo from his suite.  They go swimming in the ocean, get hot and heavy, and Clare starts talking about baby giraffes….huh?  One Pollo seems to have been over-taken by Clare’s “fire”. (wink) Wait, you won’t kiss Renee because you wanna keep it classy?  Looks like you mighta missed that boat when you frolicked past it into the waves.

One Pollo’s still talking about Clare before Nikki’s date.  That’s gotta sting a little watching that now.  Nikki’s excited for her alone time with One Pollo.

BamaBoy: “Alone time, minus the producers, camera men and crew….”

BamaBoy: “Nice, One Pollo got some ass-grab!  Comfort her with a hand on her butt…good date! ‘We were surrounded by the smell of bat guano and it was just the best!'”

Mommer’s asleep….he has yet to survive a full episode.  We need to build his Bachelor stamina.

Clear those wind pipes, we’re going to channel our inner Christmas choir:
Oh, holy Drama, the tears are brightly shining.  This is the night “fiery” Clare effs it up….

Well, maybe.  But you know those sneaky Bachelor film editors…always up to something!

BamaBoy: “Andi apparently needs a LOT of basic math based on this comment:
‘3 out of the 8 of us aren’t going to get a rose. I mean it’s going to basically be half of us.’
A) There are 11 of you.
B) Yes, there are 3 that already have a rose, but 8 left out of 11 is still not half.”

BamaBoy: “How big is Renee’s son that One Pollo is afraid of him being ‘pissed at him’?”

One Pollo starts questioning the fairness of sneaking out with Clare to the beach. BamaBoy: “That must have been one hell of a kiss?!”
OP tells Clare it was a mistake, they discuss fairness, but mostly One Pollo’s fear of Camila seeing “that” and having a bad reaction.  *Sidenote: Where was that concern the other night?

Andi, “If I go home, I’ll be pissed.”  Classy.

Clare’s crying in the parking lot again. Pull it together.  You’re mascara is. a. mess.  One Pollo, ever playing the White Knight, comes to comfort her, AGAIN.  I wish he would just tell her, “You can’t throw a fit every time something happens.  So put your big girl panties on and walk it off.”

*awkward sniffly silence*…*crickets* Oh, thank GOD, Chris Harrison is here!!


Clare, Renee, and Nikki already have roses.
For the counting-impaired (ahem, Andi), that leaves 5 roses:

Sharleen (THAT’s her name!), Cassandra, Chelsie, Kat, and…
–Oh shiznit, I had no idea! Good old, Chris Harrison to tell us about that final rose!–
Andi gets the final rose.

Danielle, Kelly, and Alli are going home.  Well, I called 2 out of 3 of those!

Next week, on the Bachelor, everybody goes home!!!  Not really, but Sharleen and Clare definitely grill One Pollo pretty hardcore and question why they’re here…Hello! Vacays and cocktails, DUH-UH!!!

Until next time, we’re over and out!! (Especially Mommer)

-T, BamaBoy and Zzzzzzzzz….

Disclaimer: Mommer, BamaBoy and I are not affiliated with The Bachelor, ABC, CBS, Facebook, Mickey’s or Stella Artois.  We are, but, lowly Bachelor fans and we garner what is probably WAY more entertainment out of this weekly smack-talk festival than we should.  This is TV drama at it’s best, or worst. Whatever.  Anyway, we aren’t being compensated in any way for our AMAZEBALLS observations and catty quotations! 

BamaBoy Blogs Bachelor: Week 4



BamaBoy is starting this week in hot water.  So far, my Bachelor-watching has been delayed by “The Wolverine” (although watching Hugh Jackman fight ninjas and a few shirtless ab shots was kinda worth it) AND NOW cooking shows (Dos!!!) – Grrrrrr.  At least he’s willing to refill my wine and bring me a chocolate cookie.  AND, I just found out our district is operating on a 2-hour delay tomorrow (because people in Central Texas get super-NUTS in freezing weather) so I get to sleep in!  Hallelujah!!

On another note, Mommer was geared up to join us tonight (see, he can’t resist!), but alas, he has been bitten by the Cedar Fever bug and is down for the count tonight.

Anyway, One Pollo says goodbye to Camila and his family and everybody heads for South Korea.  I’m feeling a “Gangnam Style” dance party comin’ on….”Heeeeeeyyyyyy, sexy”……no? BamaBoy says no.

BamaBoy: “Look how excited they are about vacations.  You didn’t see that coming, either?!  I smell bullshit.”

Girls-with-TONS-of-luggage MONTAGE!! BamaBoy:”Yes, this is INSANE!”  Random Girl:”There’s so many SHOE stores!!”  Glad to see our priorities are straight.  AND date card!!

Side note: Nikki, ALL the girls hope their name is on the one-on-one date card, honey.  MAYBE those 5 other girls think you’re annoying, too.  And from the intro, I’m gonna guess Clare agrees.

Nice faux-hawk, One Pollo.  Guess, he’s becoming more Pollo by the minuto! (Hahaha, see what I did there?)  Guess he’s trying to go more Gallo (that means rooster, peeps!)  Nevermind, they’re going on a K-Pop Dance Party Date, not Gallo.

BamaBoy: “Nice pink shoes.” *Do I sense jealousy?! Father’s Day ideas!!

So the girls meet 2NE1, THE K-Pop stars in South Korea and learn a dance for *big surprise* their show tonight!  Kat takes the lead as HBIC (Head Bitch in Charge, hello!) and proceeds to tell us how AMAZEballs she is at dancing.  Nikki puts it beautifully with, “If there was a sign that said, ‘I am the best at this’ I’m sure she would put it on her forehead.”  We couldn’t agree more, Nikki.  I spend the rest of dance practice really hoping Kat high-kicks herself in the face.  Oh wait, her leg won’t make it through the boob force-field.  Dang.

Dance Time!  At a mall.  Kat thinks they all came to see her.  Wow.  I kinda hope she’s watching this from under a rock.  I especially like Nikki’s version of Kat’s dance. Nailed it! (BamaBoy: “I’m starting to like her.”)

Kat needs to tell us, AGAIN, that she wants that rose.  We KNOW.  BamaBoy: “Oh, yes, tell us again about your amazing dance moves.”  Kat tells us her Dad was an alcoholic for his ENTIRE life (BamaBoy: “Like out of the womb? How did THAT work out?”) and that her “mom made lemons…no, lemonade out of lemons.”  Quality time.

The girls sit around and sadly, Nikki begins a smack-talking circle of 1.  No, Nikki, no!  We like you!!  Be catty QUIETLY!  Have you learned NOTHING!! UGH. Her one-on-one time goes well because she’s being normal again. She gets the rose and ALL the other cat claws come out.  Elise, “Egh, yuck”?  That might be a bit much, but to be fair, Nikki burned some bridges with that smack-talk rant.  We shall see!

Sharleen (remember, “Yeah, sure” girl?) gets the one-on-one date.  This should be interesting.  I have to agree with Sharleen(red flag?!?!) and Clare that I’m not seeing the chemistry.  Like, at ALL.  I will be shocked if she gets a rose.
As expected, the date is SUPER awkward!  Usually, the tourist dates where couples get to explore the city are the best and most laid-back.  Well, except for Ashley and Ryan P’s Tankless Water Heater date…yeah, this is kind of like that.  THEN, he makes her sing for him…the Awkward Meter just broke.  I’m pretty sure she’s just into the kissing.

BamaBoy: “She seems bland.” Yes, very. One Pollo says they have so much in common.  BamaBoy: “No, you don’t.” Agreed.

According to the two of them, they “get each other” – I’m not “getting” it.  Ooooh, the kids convo.  Has a pin been pulled? Seems like it.  Glad she told the truth, but despite all those “At the time”s I’m not sure she’s selling that she’s ready for kids and family now.  And he STILL GIVES HER THE ROSE…..hold on.  I need to find my jaw. It’s on the floor, probably covered in dog hair.  And he says she could be his “soul mate”…oooop! There it goes again.

Commercial break and I’ve recovered (some) in time for the 2nd group date of the week.  The girls and One Pollo are going to explore Seoul with some karaoke – YES!!  This is going to get much better!!  BamaBoy is too distracted by the wallpaper: “I seriously think my grandmother had that wallpaper in her bathroom.”

Next, they all jump in a swan mini-boat and the clown car references are just too easy. I can’t. Then, they go to get fish pedicures (Apparently, Texas banned these in October 2008.  I had no idea.) and the girls freak out.  They’re about an inch long.  Yeah, they look like real man-eaters.  Clare plays the “dainty, scaredy-cat” card over her tiny piece of octopus and gets One Pollo to hand feed it to her.  Not cute, Clare.  You’re 32.

It’s one-on-one time and here are a few notes:
– Renee’s time was a little awkward, but it’s not a bad thing for their relationship to move more slowly.  That might end up being a great thing for them!
– Clare needs to remind us that she had the first date and the first kiss.
– We totally missed Allison’s one-on-one.  Must have been riveting, but leave it to Clare to ask if they kissed.
– Andi wants to know more about One Pollo.  We find out they’re both smart asses, my kind of people!  They seem to get along well and it doesn’t seem forced.
– The girls begin cataloging One Pollo’s kissing partners, it becomes competitive and Lauren “needs” a kiss.
– Lauren flat out asks for a kiss and gets REJECTED!!!  Ouch!  He has good reason (Don’t slut it up in front of the children!) but it still stings Lauren.  Then, she lost me when she implies that One Pollo won’t find someone “good for him” since he didn’t kiss her…we might be taking this a little hard…just sayin.
– BamaBoy walked back in during Lauren’s cry session and asked, “Who the f— is that?”  Exactly.
Clare’s possessive, but then tells One Pollo she “threw up in her mouth” after eating the octopus. Yum!  Guess we don’t have to worry about him kissing you!
– Andi gets the rose – good choice!!

Everyone grab a cocktail!  We’re going to party and shamelessly fight to the death for attention!!  Wee haw, bitches!

– First of all, they never really show Kelly and One Pollo together talking.  That’s not a good sign.
– Clare’s conversations never seem genuine now.  I liked her a lot in the first date, but now, I’m not buying it.
– Nikki hijacks Clare’s “time” even though she has a rose.  Well, we can’t help you now, girl.  You put the target on your own back, sister. And the “ladies” are armed and ready.
– Clare calls Nikki out in an anti-climactic talk.  Sparks were really….fizzling.

Ding, ding, ding – Rose time!

Sharleen, Nikki, and Andi already have roses.
One Pollo talks to the “ladies” about the week and making tough decisions.
Renee, Chelsie, Kelly (really?!), Danielle (seriously?! I didn’t even know she was still here!), Cassandra (her either), Allison, Clare, and…Chris Harrison, thank God, I never would have known about that final rose…Kat get roses.

Lauren and Elise are going home.  Not all that surprised, but I thought Danielle, Kelly or Cassandra would have gone before them.  Ah well, gotta weed’em out sooner or later!

BamaBoy: “Quit crying, ‘cuz you didn’t win.
Lauren is looking for the elusive “love” and asking for a kiss wasn’t it.  Sorry, babe, you’re coming back to Austin!

One Pollo and the “ladies” are leaving Seoul for Vietnam.  Clips of Lieutenant Dan and Forrest just flashed in my head…if only.  Alas, they are too pampered for all that outdoors.  Catty, catty, blah, blah, Clare tries to sneak over to One Pollo’s room and then things get very teary.  Is it as dramatic as the preview suggests? Probably not, but we’ll be watching anyway!

Also, my favorite part of this season so far is One Pollo’s lip sync debut to 2NE1’s song at the end.  FUNNYYY!!!

We’ll see you “ladies” and gents next week!  If you have any ideas for new “trigger words”, let us know.  “Journey” seems to have run it’s course, thank goodness!!

Until next week,
-BamaBoy and T

Disclaimer: BamaBoy and I are in no way affiliated with ABC, The Hollywood Gossip or The Bachelor. We are shamelessly baring our Bachelor-loving souls for the rest of the world and Al Gore’s internet. (We are also NOT affiliated with Al Gore, whew!)  We are also (still) not being compensated in any way for our truly enlightening (snort.) observations and commentary – the wine we bought ourselves. Boo.